Who’s causing the harm or doing the surveillance?
In this kind of threat model, we start by asking: Who’s behind the harm? The answer isn’t always obvious. It’s not just “bad people doing bad things online”—it’s a whole cast of characters, from central figures to silent enablers. Some act deliberately, others simply leave doors open. All contribute to the harm.
These are the adversaries—the people (and systems) that put your digital safety at risk.
Abusive partners (past or present)
The central figure in this story. Not a mysterious hacker in a basement, but someone who knows your voice, your habits, your weak spots—and probably your PIN.
They may have had full access to your devices and accounts, often with your knowledge and trust. That access may never have been revoked. In many cases, the phone was a gift, the router was installed by them, or the login to your email is scribbled in a shared drawer “just in case.”
Their advantage isn’t technical. It’s emotional. They know what you’ll click on. They know how to talk you round. They may justify surveillance as “concern,” control as “care,” or financial interference as “protecting you.”
Importantly: this applies to both current and former partners. In fact, some of the worst abuse begins after someone has left.
Third-party enablers
Abusers rarely act alone. They’re aided—sometimes knowingly, sometimes not—by others who provide tools, time, or legitimacy.
- Stalkerware vendors market apps under the banner of “parental control” or “employee monitoring.” But they know full well who their real customers are. Their ads may not say it outright, but their forums, reviews, and design features give the game away.
- Private investigators are sometimes hired to “keep tabs” or dig up data. Not all PIs are unethical, but there’s a grey market of digital snoops who specialise in monitoring exes, often without consent.
- Friends, family, or mutuals may be drawn in—some willingly, others manipulated. They may pass on information (“just checking in”), share social posts, or even help install apps thinking they’re being helpful.
The abuser controls the narrative. Everyone else is a supporting role—even if they don’t realise it.
Malicious actors (opportunists)
These aren’t directly connected to the abuser. They’re the digital opportunists—the ones who thrive in the messy, insecure undergrowth of the internet.
Let’s say your partner reused your password on five different platforms, and one of those gets breached. A scammer halfway across the world might now have access to your inbox, or your cloud storage, or your webcam.
They don’t care about your relationship. They care about leverage: credit card numbers, compromising photos, access they can sell. But to you, the effect is the same—privacy invaded, control lost.
This becomes especially risky when abusers deliberately use weak security (no two-factor authentication, simple passwords), knowing that these accounts are easier to break into—by someone.
Platforms and services (inadvertently)
Not people, but still powerful adversaries. These are the tech companies and service providers who build systems that assume everyone in your household is on good terms.
The trouble is, platforms often:
- Enable “family sharing” without consent mechanisms
- Hide critical security settings behind jargon
- Send access logs to the wrong person (or no one at all)
- Default to convenience over privacy
- Make removing someone look like deleting your own account
It’s not malice—it’s neglect. They’ve designed for the happy path. But when abuse enters the picture, those same systems quietly support it by doing nothing at all.
In short: they are the silent partners in far too many cases of tech-facilitated abuse.
A word on this section
Understanding your adversaries isn’t about fear—it’s about clarity. Who has access? Who benefits from that access? And who’s propping them up, even without knowing it?
The goal here isn’t to assign blame to every person or product involved, but to name the moving parts. Because once you know who’s in the room—digitally or otherwise—you can start making informed decisions to take your space back.
One login. One setting. One account at a time.