Who to talk to (and when)

Navigating support without wasting energy or walking into dead ends.

One of the hardest things about tech-facilitated abuse? Knowing who might actually help, and who’s going to waste your time, gaslight you, or tell you to “just delete Facebook.”

The good news: some people do understand how digital harm works. The bad news: they’re not always the first ones you’re referred to.

This guide lays out your likely allies—and how to approach them without handing over too much power or exposing yourself to more risk.

Digital safety specialists (when malware is suspected)

Why talk to them: They’re trained to spot signs of spyware, stalkerware, and other hidden nasties. They may be based in domestic violence organisations, digital rights groups, or cybersecurity nonprofits.

When to talk to them:

  • If your phone or laptop is acting oddly (battery drain, settings changes, unexplained access)
  • If you’ve found unfamiliar apps or tools you didn’t install
  • If you’re considering a full digital reset but want to preserve evidence

What to ask:

  • “Can you help me check my device for known surveillance tools?”
  • “What’s the safest way to secure accounts without tipping anyone off?”

What not to assume: That they’re always trauma-aware. Some are technical wizards, not emotional navigators. That’s OK—just pair their advice with a more survivor-centred support service where possible.

Domestic abuse organisations (for integrated support)

Why talk to them: They understand patterns of control. Increasingly, they also recognise how technology is used in abuse.

When to talk to them:

  • If you’re still in the situation and need help safety planning
  • If you’ve just left and things are escalating digitally
  • If you need coordinated support (legal, housing, psychological)

What to ask:

  • “Do you have anyone trained in tech-facilitated abuse?”
  • “Can someone help me make a safety plan that includes digital tools?”

What not to worry about: That you’ll have to share every detail. Start where you’re comfortable. Many organisations will let you speak anonymously or use pseudonyms at first.

Legal aid clinics & privacy advocates (when evidence is being twisted)

Why talk to them: You’re not just being watched—you’re being set up. If there are fake messages, doctored screenshots, or legal threats, it’s time for some expert backup.

When to talk to them:

  • If court cases (e.g., custody, housing, defamation) are coming up
  • If the abuser has filed police reports or legal complaints against you
  • If evidence has been manipulated, deleted, or faked

What to ask:

  • “Can you help me preserve or challenge digital evidence?”
  • “Can someone write a letter explaining tech-based abuse to a judge or solicitor?”

Don’t delete anything—even if it looks bad for you. Ask what’s safest to archive and how to get expert validation of your side.

Trusted techies: what to ask, what not to overshare

Why talk to them: They can often help you check devices, reinstall systems, or untangle cloud setups. They may not understand the abuse context, but they do know how things work.

When to talk to them:

  • If you need help setting up a clean device
  • If you’re trying to isolate backups or cloud data
  • If you want a sanity check on how accounts connect

What to ask:

  • “Could you help me wipe this device safely and check what’s installed?”
  • “Can you explain what’s syncing between these devices/accounts?”

What not to assume: That they know how abusers think. They may recommend solutions that would make things worse (e.g. alerting the abuser). Offer context where safe—and be ready to push back if something feels off.

The limits of police and courts—realistic expectations

Why this matters: Law enforcement can be helpful or cause more harm. Knowing what they can realistically do helps you avoid disappointment (or worse).

What they can do (sometimes):

  • Issue no-contact orders or restraining orders
  • Investigate impersonation or threats made via tech (if well-documented)
  • Work with digital evidence—if you provide it clearly

What they often don’t do:

  • Understand stalkerware, metadata, or cloud syncing abuse
  • See coercive control through digital means as “real” abuse
  • Prioritise your case if there’s no immediate physical harm

Strategies that work better:

  • Bring physical copies of evidence (screenshots, logs, timelines)
  • Use calm, non-technical language: “He used this app to track my location after I asked him not to”
  • If needed, have a digital advocate or lawyer explain the tech for you

A word on this section

You don’t have to do this alone. But you do get to choose who to trust, and when.

Build a small circle first—one or two people who believe you, understand enough to help, and won’t make things worse.
From there, you can expand as needed. Safely. Strategically. On your own terms.

Next up: What to check first →