Support that empowers, not overwhelms

For friends, family, and professionals offering help—this section offers trauma-aware tech tips, what to say (and not say), and how to avoid accidentally making things worse. Including what to bring to police or court, and how to talk about digital abuse in ways they’ll understand.

Support doesn’t require being a tech genius—or a vigilante. Whether you’re the go-to “computer person” or someone simply trusted to listen, here’s how to offer meaningful help without crossing lines or setting off alarms.

How to help someone secure their tech without taking over

Tech help can easily veer into tech control. Here’s how to avoid that while still being useful.

  1. Do: ask before acting. Start with something simple like:
  • “Would you like help with this now, or should we make a plan for later?”
  • Always check how much the person wants to know, do, or delegate.

  1. Do: explain things step by step. Even if you could fix it in 2 minutes, talk them through what you’re doing and why. Knowledge is power—they may need to do it again later, alone.

  2. Do: normalise their concerns. What might sound far-fetched to you could be exactly what’s happening. Say:

  • “That’s absolutely something we can check for.”
  • Not: “That seems a bit paranoid.”

  1. Do: document what you’ve done. Make a private note (on paper or secure app) of what changes were made—especially passwords, resets, and device changes. The survivor should have a copy.

  2. 🚫 Don’t: use your own email or phone number. No matter how temporary it seems. This creates dependency and may complicate legal or account recovery later.

  3. 🚫 Don’t: log in with your own accounts. Using your own Apple ID, Google login, or app store credentials can leave digital fingerprints and introduce more confusion.

  4. 🚫 Don’t: speak for them. Avoid saying “I’ll just do it.” It might seem efficient, but it removes agency. Let them lead, even if that means slowing down.

How to talk to the police or courts about digital abuse

Unfortunately, not all frontline workers understand tech-based abuse. Here’s how to make your words—and the survivor’s experience—count.

  1. Focus on behaviour and intent, not just “technology”. Instead of saying:
  • “They hacked her phone.”
  • Try: “They installed an app that lets them see her messages and location in real time.”

Instead of:

  • “Her thermostat’s acting weird.”
  • Say: “The temperature keeps changing remotely, likely controlled via an app she doesn’t have access to.”
  1. Use legal-adjacent language. Frame tech abuse in familiar legal terms like:
  • Coercive control
  • Harassment
  • Surveillance without consent
  • Unauthorised access to personal communications

These often map to existing laws more readily than “my smart speaker is acting up.”

  1. Bring evidence that looks familiar
  • Screenshots with timestamps
  • Device access logs
  • Email notifications of logins or password changes
  • Written timeline of events

Even if digital forensics isn’t available, a simple chronology can help clarify.

  1. Set expectations: keep it boring, accurate, repeatable. You’re not there to wow them with technical wizardry. Keep the story simple and consistent. Avoid speculative language.
  • “Here’s what we know happened.”
  • “Here’s what we found.”
  • “Here’s what she did to stop it.”

  1. 🚫 Don’t assume they’ll “get it”. Many police and court staff are undertrained in tech. If they look confused, pause and ask if they’d like clarification or examples.

  2. 🚫 Don’t rely on jargon. Avoid terms like “man-in-the-middle attack” or “rootkit” unless you’re explaining it clearly. Instead, say:

  • “He was intercepting data over their shared Wi-Fi.”
  • “There’s software installed that runs invisibly and records everything.”